R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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