tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You are the jesus of drinking
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
