I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
