So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
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you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
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Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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