i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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