I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
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How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
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Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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