That's intense
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
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