Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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