sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
