Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
