Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Soap is not a condiment
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
