i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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