i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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