i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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