Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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