Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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