the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
