Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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