I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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