Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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