Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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