I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
