if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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