Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
