You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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