There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
