i'm lost and i look like a hooker
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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