Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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