I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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