It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
