how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
