I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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