did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
