I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
