Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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