Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
