just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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