Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
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OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
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you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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