I just pynch a tree in the face
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
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Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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