Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
