I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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