Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
