6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
