Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
