I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I looked at my own cervix.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
