i don't plan on having that self control this summer
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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