You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
