DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
