Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize