Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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