I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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