After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
