All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
