I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I want to be your penis for a week.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
