apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
