I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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