I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
