i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
