I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
