my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
