Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
