After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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